I look forward to discovering whether we get the grappling hook or the boomerang first this time. Oh yes, and some hints were dropped concerning a new Zelda. with multiplayer support, so now the Wii can annoy up to four people at the same time for maximum efficiency! Presumably, we'll to have to wait a bit longer for Super Mario Space-Time Continuum, but in the meantime we can also play a new 2D Mario Bros. Super Mario Galaxy 2: the expansion pack that walks like a sequel. As I said in my Super Mario Galaxy review it'd be hard to find new territory after going into space, but now it seems like you're just not even gonna fuckin' try. What's that? Four new Mario games? Aw, what's the matter? Your cool new mainstream friends starting to get bored and you somehow remembered that you're a video game company, not Fisher-Price?Īnyway, I'm very disappointed in you. Nintendo! Oh hello again, Nintendo I almost didn't recognize you with all that casual gamer semen crusting around your mouth. Oh sure, you'll get a few sales from the gimmick crowd, but it's like selling shiny objects to magpies - everything's fine until the moment someone invents a slightly shiner object and then you're left crawling back to the core fanbase you spent the last few years totally blowing off. It may be an amazing bit of technology, but all these motion-sensor concepts have to eventually face the fact that people play games to unwind, and no one unwinds by coming home and waving their arms about like an air traffic controller covered in beetles. The only thing creepier would be a grown woman flirting with a dead-eyed CG ten-year-old while Peter Molyneux stands in the background gushing about it. Project Natal! I know they pronounced it "na- tahl", but I'm going to keep calling it " nay-tal" because that's what it looks like, and it's a really fucking creepy image. So allow me to get right into it and explain why everything that was hyped at E3 2009 will definitely fail and be incredibly depressing and probably make you start cutting again. Hype is a device invented by mean-spirited marketing executives who never discovered the true meaning of Christmas, and I said last year how it makes the most logical sense to be pessimistic. As my father once said, "Never trust any trade convention that's named after an enzyme in the pyruvate dehydrogenase complex", so I'm always wary about E3.
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